Beat Your Kids, Beat Your Legacy.

Domestic violence is ubiquitous around the black community, and it took me a particularly cynical Tuesday afternoon to ponder the reasoning behind it. Most black people are raised by black parents, and most black parents use violence as a form of disciplining their children. No, I’m not talking about sending a child to his room for ‘quiet time’, or being bent over a knee to get spanked, I am talking full blown violence.

I don’t know how many times in my childhood I considered calling Childline to have my parents arrested for inflicting grievous bodily harm on me. I often disguised these feelings as anger as I was afraid of looking like a spoilt, DSTV having, decent school attending, roof over head having little bitch. I also consoled myself with the belief that there were a lot of other, less fortunate black children who had it a lot tougher than I did. This did not, however, remove the scars that I still have today, physically and mentally.

I soon accepted this as a form of punishment and took responsibility for all my actions, understanding the repercussions that would follow. Consequences often involved fetching the tool that I would soon be beaten up with, sometimes involving being tied up during the beating itself, and on the rare occasion, an all expenses trip to the emergency room after the beating. All is well that ends well, and I have grown up to be a bright young man with facial hair. So it can’t be all that bad, right?

After leaving your parents and involving yourself in a relationship with someone, your partner tends to take on a guardian type role. It is of no fault of theirs; how else would you know when to turn the geyser on, wash the dishes, record the game, not go on boys’ night out, or drink alcohol? Your parents are no longer there to tell you to perform these tasks. In so doing, you are more likely to discipline your partner in the same way your parents disciplined you. If your parents used violence as a form of discipline to raise you, I believe that you are more likely to use violence to discipline your partner. The dynamics of when you were beaten as a child has changed over the years, yet the previously abused will see no difference.  Men will physically abuse their wives partly because they know of no other method to get them to do what they want. “Talking about it” is not an option because his parents never wanted to “talk about it”.

If twitter is anything to go by, a lot of the black South African youth are still in favour of using violence to discipline their future children. Obviously these are people who were beaten by their parents and feel like they came out alright. Maybe they want to exact some kind of misguided revenge on their parents. A little bit of “the sins of the father so on and so forth” springs to mind. I just think there is more to raising your kids than using intimidatory techniques like grotesque violence and humiliation. In fact, using reasonable punishment methods (whatever those may be) could raise a more considerate and caring child. A listener, but also someone that can make sense in words as to why things are the way they are. Our children are the best way for any of us to leave a legacy, they are an extension of ourselves, and all we want is the best for them. Give them a chance to grow up in an openly loving home instead of a house they are afraid to stay in.